thoughts on mother's day

I talked to my mom today and told her happy mother's day. I posted a happy mother's day message to all my twitter friends. Mike even made me dinner tonight since I'm the "mom" to our four fur-kids. But then my friend Kat (an awesome mom by the way!) posted a link to this article on twitter: Why I Hate Mother's Day
and it really clicked for me. It said things that I've always thought... and didn't say because I didn't want to offend those moms that I know. Read it if you like, but I'm going to post some of my favorite parts here:

Mother's Day celebrates a huge lie about the value of women: that mothers are superior beings, that they have done more with their lives and chosen a more difficult path. Ha! Every woman's path is difficult, and many mothers were as equipped to raise children as wire monkey mothers. I say that without judgment: It is, sadly, true. An unhealthy mother's love is withering.  I hate the way the holiday makes all non-mothers, and the daughters of dead mothers, and the mothers of dead or severely damaged children, feel the deepest kind of grief and failure. The non-mothers must sit in their churches, temples, mosques, recovery rooms and pretend to feel good about the day while they are excluded from a holiday that benefits no one but Hallmark and See's. There is no refuge — not at the horse races, movies, malls, museums. Even the turn-off-your-cellphone announcer is going to open by saying, "Happy Mother's Day!" You could always hide in a nice seedy bar, I suppose. Or an ER.

 It perpetuates the dangerous idea that all parents are somehow superior to non-parents. (Meanwhile, we know the worst, skeeviest, most evil people in the world are CEOs and politicians who are proud parents.)

Don't get me wrong: There were times I could have literally died of love for my son, and I've felt stoned on his rich, desperate love for me. But I bristle at the whispered lie that you can know this level of love and self-sacrifice only if you are a parent. We talk about “loving one's child” as if a child were a mystical unicorn. Ninety-eight percent of American parents secretly feel that if you have not had and raised a child, your capacity for love is somehow diminished. Ninety-eight percent of American parents secretly believe that non-parents cannot possibly know what it is to love unconditionally, to be selfless, to put yourself at risk for the gravest loss. But in my experience, it's parents who are prone to exhibit terrible self-satisfaction and selfishness, who can raise children as adjuncts, like rooms added on in a remodel. Their children's value and achievements in the world are reflected glory, necessary for these parents' self-esteem, and sometimes, for the family's survival. This is how children's souls are destroyed. 

 I've been friends with women who have actually said to me that I can't know true selfless love unless I'm a parent. Did they not know how shitty that sounds?? How hurtful that can be to people who choose not to pro-create or how cruel that is to women who can't have children? Anyway, thanks Kat for posting that. I think it's fantastic and something that I really needed to read.

And to my mom-- thanks for being awesome-- for being one of my best friends.